Feminist Super Mommy
Is what I have been accused of by certain parties ;)
I realise that I kind of have a bit of paranioa about raising my two kids. I think its because when I decide to care about something, I REALLY decide to care about something. Like breastfeeding right? I am sure most of you could care less about my thoughts on breastfeeding, but since its important to me, I will talk about it. I am considering starting a personal blog though, so maybe I will stop ranting here...maybe :)
First of all, just FTR, I don't really see any contradiction between my feministic tendencies and my mothering self. In fact, I see it as quite empowering to one another. why? well I have two girls that I am raising. that means I am going to raise them to be strong and assertive and to not defer to men because they are men. I think my mother did this by default because she is a strong personality and I think I also have a rather large genetic component as well. not rudely, not with an attitude, but because they will have clear internal boundaries which I plan on respecting.
I have embraced grace based discipline or postive discipline with no Christian spin. I am aware that they are many Christians out there who insist that to discipline your child, you must spank. I have a friend that wrote "Biblical Parenting". its a great book. it studies the "rod" verse which is so famous amongst those that promote spanking. Basically the verse is talking about an older child, like 20ish, who is literally getting beaten with a very large ROD. I somehow don't see this as applying it to toddlers. that is the very short version.
my other question is also simple, could you ever see Jesus hit a child? I really really really can't. no matter what your belief about Jesus, I don't think He was one to hit a child. in fact, He said stuff along the things of "if you hurt these children, you should have a millstone hung around your neck and be sunk to the bottom of the ocean." I like to think that He was thinking of sex offenders when He said that, but I am sure there are other less terrible things that could also apply to this situation.
I also believe my parenting style will directly affect how my children percieve God. Will they think of Him as some giant patriarch in the sky? Will they think of some Santa Claus? what will they think?
I can think of God as someone who cares about us deeply. cares about our dogs and our plumbing problems. "His eye is on ths sparrow" "If Solomon, in all his splendour did not look as beautiful as lilies of the field, then why do you worry about tomorrow? Your heavenly Father SEES you and knows you and what you need." Total paraphrase from somewhere in Matthew.
I don't believe God punishes us. Ever. If you look into the stories of the OT, He always made a way for His people. Always. He wasn't exactly thrilled with those who opposed His people, but He NEVER punished His own. Whatever wrong we have done or will done is paid for, its done, its past and we live in GRACE. Grace that God extends to us every single day. I only extend the same grace to my children by not making them pay for something that has all ready been paid for, be it "sinful" or whatever.
Punishment, which I include spanking in here, though its somewhat of a minor issue in some regards, is generally done to appease the adults anger or embarassment. I have said this before, but when I am MOST itching to smack Kiera's little bum, its when I am angry. I know that there is also this "ritualistic" type spanking that I find actually quite disgusting. you aren't "suppose" to be angry and you are suppose to do this big flaky speech "this hurts you more than it hurts me..." and then you hit the child. if you look into this history, it actually is a carry over from Victorian times and a bit of S & M. So I definitely avoid spanking ritualistically, but I also REALLY want to avoid smacking her because I am ticked. (which, confession time, I have done a couple of times when Kiera has STEPPED on her sister). but again, I don't see the point in teaching her not to hit by hitting her. I felt REALLY bad afterwards, because I let my anger control the situation. my anger controlled me, I didn't control my anger. not cool. I am the adult in this situation, not her.
I want to and will continue to parent in the paradigm of being on the same team as my daughter. I am not her advesary, I am not her police woman who tries to keep her under lock and key. But I will allow for her feelings, she is allowed to be angry, to be happy, whatever. Think of it this way, if you were upset about something how would you feel if I told you you needed to get over it? or I didn't really care that you were upset, I just didn't want to hear you crying anymore? A much better way to change the situation is just to acknowledge the feelings she is having, anger, sadness, embarassment, etc, and finish them off. I am okay with feelings. some people aren't. she will learn to understand her feelings, express them in a healthy manner. This is where she will learn to be assertive and know herself and her boundaries. which also leads me to the next thing. If I ever see you, I will never force my children to hug you. if they aren't comfortable hugging you, well that is their perogative. If I do that to them, its basically telling them that their personal space does not matter, and if they believe that, even if its something as benign as a hug, they could be taken advantage of by a trusting adult later if they truly don't believe their bodies are their own. does that make sense? I usually ask Kiera if I can have a hug, most of the time she is more than willing to give me one, but if she is not, then I always respect her wishes. When she is done, she is done. Just because I am bigger than her does not mean that I do not respect her space and her person.
I was spanked as a child. A lot of people say "well I was, and I lived so what is the big deal?" I did live. I know my parents got a lot of flak because they wracked their brains trying to think of ways to parent ME that was different from what they both grew up with. The fact is, my grandparents didn't exactly have a lot of tools in their parent toolbox to parent their 6 or 8 children. it was more about survival and running a farm.(sorry grandma's)
I know in so many ways I am a classic product of a tech, post industrial society where children are no longer assets, but liabilites in an economic sense. because I am just not going to have as many, I want to do well with the ones I have.
posted by Candice @ 12:57 PM
5 Comments:
I'm pretty sure you made up the part about God never punishing His people in the OT. I know there's a difference between Moses declaring judgement in the name of God and God Himself declaring judgement (on one of His own, I mean. God explicitly tells the Israelites to do some pertty mean things to other nations). In fact...hang on...in Numbers 15:35 there was a guy who was caught breaking the Sabbath. Collecting wood, the poor guy. Maybe the whole law thing was pretty new to Moses and company, and they didn't know what to do with Him, so they have Moses ask God. God's instruction is that the whole community was to stone the man-the assumption is that it is for breaking the Law.
That instance is pretty explicit, but there's a lot of places, especially where the Law is concerned, where God says that violation of His law by His people shall result in death, isolation, excommunication, etc. etc.
You have given me some stuff to think on in the NT, though. I think you need to define the way that you're using the word "punishment" though. How is it different from instructing, or training? Typically those who are "over" us (parents, in this case) seek to modify the behaviour of those who are under them by reinforcing positive behavioural patterns and discouraging negative behaviours (this is of course assuming that we are all born with a sin nature and will not, on our own, grow up to be very good people).
At any rate, back to work with me!
Good questions Ryan. here is the site that I am going to link you to to answer all your questions. its my friend Crystal's who wrote the book Biblical Parenting. http://www.aolff.org/other.html
Hi Candice,
I found this blog very interesting with regard to your parenting philosophy specifically the difference between discipline and punishment. Punishment requires that the child be harmed in some way (physically or emotionally) to make up for the mistake/disobedience/sin whereas discipline focuses on assisting the child gain insight into the inappropriateness of their behaviour with the long view of learning inner/self control. Sometimes as parents we believe that it is our job to control our children and in some families this might also extend to the belief that the husband must also control his wife. In my experience this is an illusion. The only person whom you have any true control over is yourself and some days that is questionable. I find it very interesting when I hear people use phrases such as "You make me so angry, it is your fault I'm hitting you... yelling at you...grounding you.. etc" In fact we CHOOSE to be angry as anger is a secondary emotion often preceded by fear or irritation. We also choose how to express that anger. We do not have to become physically or emotionally abusive. Children are a gift from the Creator to help us bring out the very best qualities we possess.
I find it interesting that the quotes regarding punishment are from the Old Testament. I was under the impression that the New Testament fulfilled the old laws and Christians operated from "What would Christ/Jesus do?? As you stated it is difficult to believe that Jesus would hit a child or any person at all. Does Jesus not use the story of the adultress as an example "he who has not sinned may cast the first stone?" Apparently no stones were cast that day.
Thanks for all the new pics.
Colette/Memere
Blaming the child is actually pretty classical abusive behaviour. its pretty interesting to change the people in the scenario to husband/wife and say to someone now if the husband said "you make me so angry, you made me hit you" we would all gasp and see if for what it is. but for some reason with children the point is completely missed. also reading people's description of ritual spanking sounds also eerily like an abusive relationship. the woman (usually) does something to tick the man off. he hits her or comes close, whatever. she submits to his abuse. the cooling period. then the woman comes back and begs forgiveness for her "misdeed" that she deserved the punishment. he takes her "back" and the cycle starts all over again. Its no wonder many women who were abused as children are convinced that they only way they are sure they are "loved" is if they are hit by their partners because that is in effect what their parents taught them.
About the OT. doing some thinking about this more, I think that the Israelites were punished. BUT it was after a lot of "pleading" for lack of a better term and lots of ways OUT before God let whatever befall them. But it is correct that Jesus came to show grace to all peoples, including children. I think too a lot can be learned from how he dealt with his disciples who were a rather unruly lot. He was never rude and often answered a question with a question. These are techniques easily transferable to parenting I think.
Great discussion! As you know, I tried very hard not to spank our kids b/c I recognized it was only a means to vent my frustration/ anger/etc. and not an effective deterrent or teaching tool. Interestingly, I did threaten to use the good ole wooden spoon once or twice (as per my mom rarely on my bros -- me, I was always an angel) and THAT threat is what remains firmly imprinted today in my son's memory. He's convinced I did spank him with the wooden spoon; whereas I am equally convinced I only threatened to use it. The point being that the fear of a spanking or that rare spanking (depends whose memory you believe) so rattled my son (and my daughter) that they still remember it 20+ years later. They couldn't believe their loving mother would ever consider/do something so harsh to them.
Of course when they were in their high school years, what I wouldn't have given to be a believer in spanking! Or convents or some other such way to keep them safe.
Thankfully, however the memories go, both kids survived my shortcomings as a parent and make their father and I very proud today. Erin, blessed with her own strong-willed, attitude-filled daughter, is now wondering just how she as a mother will handle Hayley's overly defiant moments, which are sure to hit when the hormones do, as they did for Erin, as they did for me, according to my mom.
Filled with love and armed with knowledge and good intentions, we as parents strive to do the very best we can, whatever the circumstance. I'm watching to learn from my children how to better handle a parent's fear and fury. I'm sure there'll be no threats of a wooden spoon!
BTW, keep the pics coming. Kiera and Kalista are so adorable!! I can't believe how much Kali has grown. Come see us soon!
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