Permissive vs Punitive

Okay, I am venturing to blog here again a bit about parenting. then I will shut up. maybe.


When I say "gentle" I think to most people that means "being nice all the time". no, its not what it means. Children are going to react to boundaries no matter how "nicely" they are put. I do not expect Kiera to not be angry or frustrated when I set a boundary about something. As the adult and the mommy its my responsibility to be a) bigger than her feelings and b) not react to them in an inappropriate manner.
Little children are people. They are just small. They do have the same feelings we do, but they are unable to express them. So I will give words to Kiera and Kalista's feelings until they are able to do it themselves. I will do that so that when they are older they will *always* own their own feelings and not put the blame on someone else for feeling *angry* or sad or whatever. I think its really easy for me to say "you are making me angry", now I have switched and said "I feel really angry when you do _____"

Also, as my friend Joanne puts it, don't be afraid to be a hardass mom. I like to give Kiera choices when its appropriate and sometimes I mess up and give her too much choice when she can't handle it. Usually this is when she is very tired and is having a meltdown. But when something *isn't* optional, I try and make sure I phrase it that way. If I ask Kiera to please entertain her sister while I am cooking, if I have added "please", it makes it optional. I consider entertaining her sister something she is not obligated to do, because she isn't the mommy. But if she *wants* to help me, I would really appreciate it. and I tell her that I appreciate her helpfulness.
her carseat is *not* optional. so I would say "do you want to get into the carseat yourself or should I help you?" usually she wants to be ms independence and will do it herself, but other times she does need my help. the great thing about the car seat is that its self correcting, she can't get out once she gets in. lol.
I do know what the difference is between permissive and punitive. and I do think punitive measures *can* work, but I have a moral problem with them. being the center of punitive and permissive is what I strive for. I want to teach without punishment. If you make someone feel bad, they are going to act bad :( That is also why punitive parenting is cylical. what you focus on, you get more of. I like to focus on Kiera when she is cooperative and tell her so. She *likes* to cooperate, but sometimes she doesn't. I try and always make sure that my love for her is seperate from how she pleases me because I really don't want her to equate the two.

I also do a lot of hands on parenting, "physical" parenting is what I call it with Kiera. When I ask her to do something and she doesn't do it, I don't sit there and obsess over the fact that she isn't obeying me. I assign positive intent and tell myself that perhaps she would *like* to be doing what I am asking her to do, but she is unable to stop herself or make herself or whatever. Its *my* job to set her up for success as much as possible. I don't want to set traps for her (like have stuff she can't touch be within her reach for instance) and expect her to comply. Someday she *will* have impulse control and if she is around things that she can't touch, its up to me to help her stay away from them. Its called Get Off Your Butt Parenting. and don't let anyone tell you that its not a lot of work, because it is. I have to help Kiera often to comply to what I am asking her. But I do not add punishment to the process. I don't add extra to my words because I don't feel like I can take my frustration out on her because *I* am angry. I too need to own my own anger and deal with it constructively. My words also have to mean something. I need to watch myself constantly to make sure I am not repeating myself when I have asked her to do something. Or I have told her something is the last time she is allowed to do something. I have to be consistent enough so that she *knows* I mean business when I say "this is the last book tonight" or whatever.
Questions anyone?